Preschool Development Milestones

Women: What Is Emotional Intelligence And Why Do You Neeed To Develop It?

What is Emotional Intelligence?

What is Emotional Intelligence? Emotional Intelligence herewith shall be abbreviated as EI. One of the most influential descriptions of EI is given by Salovey and Mayer (1990, p.189) Mayer and Salovey (1997, p. 5). The following paraphrases are their descriptions of EI:

EI is a subset of Social Intelligence with the ability to accurately screen self-    emotions and emotions of another person while having the reflective ability to discriminate between both so as to control self-emotions in order to promote emotional and intellectual growth.

If this description is applied to women, it would mean that women should develop the ability to screen their own emotions and be able to control them. What are emotions? Emotions are basically subjective mental and physiological states in an individual that varies continuously from positive, negative and sometimes even contradictorily. As a woman, have your EI reached the level where and when at any point in your life you can analyze yourself as to why you are happy, unhappy or happy – unhappy at the same time? Let’s assume that you have the inclination towards contradictory emotions most of the time. Are you able after self -analysis to bring those contradictory emotions under control? The answers to these questions are indicators of the level and psychological health and maturity of your EI. If at this stage your answers are unsure, than no matter how intelligent (academically or professionally) you consider yourself to be, your EI is at the first stage and needs an urgent attention. It is at this level that many women (it also applies to men) become emotional causalities even though they may be at the peak of their careers. In short, they fail to understand their own emotions and therefore are unable to control them leading to erroneous thinking, decisions and behaviours that ultimately affects them and those around them. So now do you know why you hear of so called successful individuals who attempt or commit suicides?

Some women (includes men) are great in self-analysis and self-control. What about their reflective ability to discriminate between their emotions and the emotions of others? This stage of EI is well highlighted by the concepts of transactional analysis in the form parent, adult and child (PAC) emotional states and interactions (Berne, 1961). PAC refers to the different emotional and interaction states that every one of us is at any point of time. The parent emotional state is instructive, protective and highly automatic in its responses. The adult emotional state is responsible, objective and meditative in nature. The child emotional state is spontaneous, creative and can be rebellious. Let’s apply these emotional states and interactions to a fictitious scenario.

Let’s assume you are a motherly-kind of wife who is always lecturing your husband about getting drunk. Your EI is in the parent emotional and interaction state. The EI of your drunkard husband is in the child emotional and interaction state. As long as your husband accepts your lectures as a child would do there will be no conflicts. But let’s say one day he is sober and was reflecting on his drunkard behaviours as an adult (adult emotional and interaction state). But you were insensitive to your husband’s adult emotional and interaction state, and started rattling off your usual lectures. But this time out of irritation at your nagging, he turns around and lashes (child emotional and interaction state) back at you. And you in your righteous indignation (parent emotional and interaction state) lash back at him. What would be the consequences? You can guess it for yourself. The conflicts between you and your husband are not solely because you are right and he is wrong.  It is because of your insensitive emotional state and interaction. You allowed the wrong emotions to be expressed due to insensitivity and conditioning.

Let’s assume, if you had displayed an adult emotional and interaction state, your husband would have responded as an adult and instead of conflict you would have had a wonderful communication on the same wavelength. This is what is meant by EI that is reflective in its ability to discriminate between one’s own emotions and the emotions of others. And this is stage two in EI. Are you at this stage? If you have developed your EI at the first stage, than it would be very productive if you go on to stage two.

Results of Regulated Emotional Intelligence

When EI is reflective in its ability to discriminate between one’s own emotions and the emotions of others, it would lead to regulation of self-emotions. Let analyze the top scenario again. Let’s assume that the husband even though irritated by the nagging of his wife, reminded himself that she was basically being protective of him, he would not lash back at her but remain calm. It is like meeting fire with water rather than petroleum. This self-reminder is the application of regulation over his emotions. He then could respond in a child emotional and interaction state enough to placate her emotions. After she had calmed down, he can than communicate with her in an adult emotional and interaction state about his own reflections of his drunkard behaviours.

This ability to regulate self-emotions would promote emotional and intellectual growth in oneself. It would at the same time reduce conflicts with others and lead to a harmonious living.

REFERENCE

Berne, E. Transactional analysis in psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press, 1961

Mayer, J.D. and Salovey, P. (1997), “What is emotional intelligence: implications for educators”, in Salovey, P. and Sluyter, D. (Eds), Emotional Development, Emotional Literacy, and Emotional Intelligence, Basic Books, New York, NY, pp. 3-31.

Salovey, P. and Mayer, J.D. (1990), “Emotional intelligence”, Imagination, Cognition and Personality, Vol. 9 No. 3, pp. 185-211.

About the Author

Qualifications: Th. Dip (MTBI, 1978); Th.B. (MBTS, 1982); MSCP (AU, summa cum laude, 2010)

Professional Status:   Counselling Psychologist

Email Contact Info:    thesigannadarajan@gmail.com

Author’s Blog: http://thesigannadarajan.blogspot.com/

Available for: Consultation and Training

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